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The Whooping Crane/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, most of the great inventions of the world are just improvements on existing technology. I'm talking about laser beams, nuclear power, even the jiffy-pop popcorn. In the old days people used to paint their houses with a paint brush, but then some guy invented the paint roller. Now, today I'm going to put on a coat of clear driveway sealer, and yes, I'm going to use the paint roller technology. But I'm taking her to a whole new level. [ applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah, well, I appreciate that. We've got a bit of a situation up at the lodge this week. Some giant bird has chosen the chimney at possum lodge here as its nesting place. You should see this thing. It's got the skinny legs and the wing span it's like, kind of does a thing where it just -- oh, it's okay, red, I'll come back when your deodorant dries. No, I was just telling everybody about the big bird we got here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Quite the stir, isn't it? Oh, geez, that's causing you know what, I smell a business opportunity here. Well, sure, you know, a giant bird flying through the sky, great time to open a car wash. Red, it's a whooping crane. They're practically extinct. Well, I know how they feel. Yeah. The egg in the bird's nest? Have you seen the size of oh, whooping cranes have huge eggs. Well, that's what makes them whoop. Has anybody got anything to eat? Mike, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be keeping an eye on that bird? I was but she flew away about three hours ago and never came back. Three hours, boy, that's a long time for a mother to be away from the nest. Not really. My mother was away for two years less a day once. Well, what if something happens to her? You know what, somebody's got to go up on that roof and check that egg. Okay, okay, I got it. Short straw goes, okay? No, no, no, no. Short guy goes. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] today's winner will receive this brand new cell phone. I already got a phone in my cell. Okay, cover your ears, mike. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike to say this word. Yeah, all right, winston. And go! All right, mike, when you were in school and you wrote an exam, you would either fail or you -- cheated. Okay, the space between two mountains, that's called -- cleavage? Okay, when the guy in front of you is driving too slow, what do you do? Oh, shoot his tires. Okay, mike, when you want to go to jail for the weekend, you gotta get a -- hostage. Okay, let's go another way with this. Let's say you see a woman in a bar who interests you, you go over to her and you make a -- fool of myself. Almost out of time here, red. Yeah, um, all right, mike, just tell everybody where you were last night between the hours of one and three-thirty a.M. Um, I'll pass. There you go! [ applause ] when the air in your yard has a slight tinge of blue, when you find little trees on the sole of your shoe, we'll come when you call 'cause we love what we do. At rothschild's we're pumped, and you should be too. You know, a lot of the viewers ask me where I get all my ideas from, I want to give them an answer because sometimes they mean it in a nice way. Now, I'm not one of those guys who just walks around in a vacuum and comes up with things out of thin air. I know that worked for einstein and galileo, but I guess that's just the difference between me and them. Now, I always start with something and then kinda take it from there. For example, right here I have a 500-foot roll of butcher paper. You know, that stuff they wrap meat in to hide the evidence after you've killed, skinned and gutted a harmless domestic animal? I'm just kidding you. Okay, first thing I do is take a look at the properties I'm working with. This stuff has one side that's shiny and kind of sticky and the other side is smooth and very slippery. Now I just take a minute and see what my mind can come up with. [ laughter ] oh, I'm sorry. What was I saying? Oh, right, yeah, the butcher paper. [ harp music ] I could use it as a memo pad, where you could jot down phone numbers or messages or maybe a grocery list where you write down whatever you noticed you were running out of and then have the convenience of being able to rip the note off and take it with you. Or for those of you who don't have a garage -- oh, sure, those are great ideas, but they're just not practical. Now, this is where the creative handyman takes it to the next level. All right, what's the worst part about summer? That's right. You can't go tobogganing. That's because toboggans won't slide on grass and sand. They need something slippery, like ice or snow or the slippery smooth side of my butcher paper. Okay, you want to position your toboggan facing down the hill in the way you want to. But before you get too excited, you want to get something heavy, some weight of some kind. I've got a couple of rocks here, and you want to put them on the end of the piece of paper. I'll explain what that's all about a little later. But the beauty now is I can go tobogganing any time I want. And if I do happen to split my head open on a rock well, I've got plenty of paper to wrap it up in. So remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'll tell you something, though, it doesn't end here because I've still got to get the toboggan back up the hill. See this? This is a cordless drill. This is our friend. Remember those rocks I put on the paper? Not looking so dumb now, am I? [ applause ] a lot of strange things happen in life, don't they? Like yesterday I saw this middle-aged couple. They stopped at an information booth and asked for directions. The wife asked all the questions. The husband just stood there and stared at the person behind the counter. And then when they were done the wife turned around, stared at the husband. He told her everything the information person had said, and then they left. See, they were working as a team. The wife was focused on the questions, paid no attention to the answers, the husband only heard the answers, didn't have a clue what the questions were. That's because this couple's been together long enough to realize marriage is about job sharing. I mean, you can feed, clothe and shelter yourself on your own. But isn't it more interesting to share that with another person? Not only brings us closer to zero unemployment, it gives you someone else to blame. Like, to me, marriage and job sharing, well, that's a natural, especially if you decide to have kids. Conception is the best job sharing in the world. It's great working conditions and really short shifts. Most days you don't even have to go in to work. Remember I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. This a bad time, gord? Have a seat. I'll be with you in a moment. Oh, look, a forest fire. Yeah, they go out on their own. There we go. Sorry about that. Writing a letter, gord? That's kind of a personal question, don't you think? I mean, what if I was writing a letter? What if I was writing a love letter? What if I was writing a love letter to susan sarandon? I still don't see how that's any of your business. Here, could you mail this for me? Didn't you write her a love letter before? Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Did she write back? Really? She did. As a matter of fact, oh, yeah. Wow! Letter right there. There's her no, this is from her lawyer, gord. Okay, that's the wrong letter, okay. Yeah. This straightened out. I mean, I've got all I've met all their conditions. Yeah, there's her letter right there. Deal right there. There's the real this is it? This is from susan sarandon? Yes, sir. Careful with that. Boy, gord, you know, her handwriting is identical to yours. I know. Isn't it great? She is so perfect for me. We write the same. Oh, yeah. This is starting to feel like "sesame street" here. In today's episode, big bird has built a nest up in our chimney and now bert and ernie here are going to go up and check the egg. Oh, no, not me, red. Just mike. Oh, the roof's in such bad shape it'll only hold one of us. You think that rig is safe, mike? Oh, sure, I'll just throw this anchor over the peak of the roof and tie the other end of these bed sheets to the door over here. And I'll pull myself up. It's just like breaking out of prison I've done it 100 times. Red, come here. What is it? What are you doing? What's going on? Okay, um, okay. We can talk to mike through this stovepipe, which is connected to the chimney up on the roof. Oh, okay. What's he gonna do once he gets to the nest? Well, we don't know if that mother crane is gonna come back, right? So mike's gonna have to bring the egg down here. Oh, boy. [ footsteps on roof ] mike: Can you guys hear me? Yeah, yeah. We hear you. Yeah, yeah, mike: Okay, I'm going over to the chimney now. Okay watch your step, mike mike: It doesn't look too bad. [ crunch! ] mike, are you okay? Mike: Well, yeah I'm fine, but my foot's stuck in the hole. I can't pull it out. Give her a good yank, there, mike. Mike: Okay. [ mike groaning ] mike: Got it! [ footsteps on roof ] mike: Okay, I'm at the nest. I can see the egg. It's huge! It's like moose thompson's head! Yeah, except the egg has got something in it. Any sign of the mother crane? Mike: No. I guess you're gonna have to bring it down, mike. Mike: Okay, I've gotta dig it out of the nest here. Give me a second. Be careful, mike. We want the egg over easy not scrambled, eh? Mike: Hey, I got it. What the heck is that? [ bird cawing ] mike: Oh, no, the mother crane is back! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! She's trying to protect the egg, mike. Put it back in the nest. Mike: Ow! Ow! She won't let me get near the nest. I've got to toss it back in. No! No! No! No! No! No! Mike: Ow! Ow! You take it. [ mike screaming ] red, come on, mike might be hurt. Well, congratulations, dalton. You're going to be a mother. Red: A bunch of us were playing a little road hockey, there, and walter, comes in on a breakaway and he just fires one right up, right over the whole deal, and it goes right down the darn sewer. So now how we gonna -- it's the only puck we got, and we gotta get the puck back, and as I'm saying well, walter, you did it. Why don't you just get that off there? Pull the grate off there. Pull that out, lift the -- I'll pull you and you lift the grate. So then dalton had an idea that maybe he could get his arm down there. Maybe it got caught on a ledge or something, and then something grabbed him, and I'm thinking he's in trouble, but turns out he's just joking around. That's real funny, yeah. So dalton brings his jock over, what did you bring your jock for? Well, he says, that's a puck magnet. And so he's gonna drop that in there and -- I've got another idea. I figure let's go in somewhere else and that way walter can crawl back to the grate where the puck is and -- so they drop the fishing rod and they come on over I figure walter should do it. He's the one who put it down there in the first place. So we pull that thing up and -- walter down you go, away you go. Away you go. Get in there. Away you go. Down you go. Away you go. So walter goes down for the puck and then dalton is hungry he wants to go get -- so I say to walter, well, all right, tell you what, you get the puck. We're gonna go get some lunch. Okay, we're just gonna go get some lunch. Now, he's concerned that a car may come and the wheel may go down the hole and everything -- well, don't worry about that. Here's what we'll do. We'll put the lid down. Don't worry it'll be fine. There. And we go off to get some lunch. And what we didn't realize is that winston is on his rounds and he come up and parked right on the actual manhole cover himself. And I didn't know whether winston was stopping for lunch. No, apparently not. He's just coming for a -- he couldn't figure what this all was about, so he just pulled that out of there and -- I think the puck was in there wasn't it? Anyway he -- well, he does what he has to do as part of -- I'm figuring now by this point walter's having a tough day. So we come back -- oh, we realize what's going on, we've gotta back the truck off there, so we fire it up and back it up. And winston can't figure out what's going on but walter was, I'll tell you, in a big hurry to get out of there. But he's okay. He's okay. And, of course, all I'm concerned about -- I wanna make sure he got the -- did you get the puck? Did you get the puck, walter? That's the main thing. No, he didn't get it, but winston's got it he took it out of -- we'll there we go -- so we can go -- c'mon, dalton. We can get back -- and winston, great guy that he is, offered to give walter a ride home, which I thought was real nice of him. But, of course, he didn't mean in the cab. You go back with your own kind there, walter. We'll see you later. Welcome to the expert's portion of the show where we feature those three little words men find so hard to say, audience: I don't know. Those are the words. And a special welcome to harold. Well, thank you very much, winston, I'm always happy to share the wisdom of my accumulated years. You know, there's always certain rights of passage of every young man -- okay. Shut up, harold. You know, that was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. That was wrong. I apologize. I shouldn't have told you to shut up. Apology accepted. Shall I continue? Okay. No. Today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts, I work in an office next to somebody "with a body odour problem. "is there some way I can let him know about it without causing offense?" oh, no, just get upwind of the guy. That's what a breeze is for. That's not really the adult way to handle the problem, you know. There's always a subtle, sensitive way to point out the problem and suggest solutions. Oftentimes a gift would do this. Oh, sure, like on his birthday you could give the guy a bath. Yeah, but you know what's better too? You know what's better too? You know what's better too? Is like, at christmas -- at christmas you could get him an anonymous secret santa gift. Like a secret santa soap on a rope. I oftentimes use the secret santa approach to distribute my homemade fudge. That was you? That was you? Yes, why? You owe me a bottle of kaopectate. You owe me a set of seat covers. Okay, you know what, actually in retrospect I think you two are right. What you should do is take the gentleman aside in private and then point out the problem where -- you know, give him time to find a solution. I think that's something we've all learned here today. Yeah, you know what, I think so too. Winston, I wonder if I could speak to you in private after the show. Sure. Uncle red, I'd like to speak to you in private after the show too. Dalton, they were out of jalapeño chips so I had to get you sour cream and onion. Isn't that great?! You have done nothing for this entire pregnancy. You know, you're acting kinda strange, dalton. I'm sorry, red. I am so sorry. The sour cream and onion chips will be fine. I'm sorry. Go get them. Go get them! Winston! Winston! Winston: Yep? Yep? Yep? Winston! What? Winston! This ice cream is too cold. I've got to be careful about my body temperature. Lookit, we're going to have a birth here soon. I've got much better things to be doing than warming up your ice cream. Yeah, and I suppose I've got nothing better to do than to sit on this stupid egg! Oh, oh, it's happening! It's really happening! Oh, oh. Somebody boil some water! We're not going to cook the egg, mike. Stop squeezing my arm so hard, you bonehead. It's going to be okay. Oh, I'm afraid. No, I'm afraid I'm afraid. Okay, okay. To breathe. Just remember [ breathing heavily ] oh, it's cracking! Okay. Give the thing a chance. Well, get up, dalton. All right, okay. [ bird chirping ] red: Congratulations, dalton, it looks just like you. I'm gonna take her outside to her new home, the sky. All right. All right. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you two guys go ahead. Dalton and I will be down in a minute. All right, all right, dalton. Come on now. All right. She went back to her birth mother. Yeah, well, of course she did. But you did the right thing. And dalton, did you really want another daughter? Away you go. It's an excellent point. You go on down to the meeting. I'll be right down. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And with all these cranes flying around here today I was wondering if maybe you and I might do a little whooping it up ourselves tonight. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and mother dalton and the whole gang up here at possum lodge. Keep your stick on the ice. Mike: Sit down everybody. Okay, everybody sitting down? All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, men, I would like to show all of our appreciation for dalton's efforts to preserve a dying species and also for hatching that egg. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com